Questioning beliefs

By Her Beautiful Melancholy

 

It wasn't easy but then again, when it came to me difficult was the only setting I knew.

In a way that placed me miles ahead of most people.
I breezed through complicated situations.
Thrived in hostile and downright brutal environments like It was no more than a walk in the park.

I had- No. I have the patience of a saint. It takes months and sometimes years to really piss me off and get a reaction.

Unfortunately, this meant.... sigh
Well, it meant I'd stick a situation out no matter how bad conditions became. I was determined to succeed. And I did succeed.

I can easily blame this on being young and not knowing any better. But that would just be a load of crap. I was young in age and appearance only. I had the mentality and emotional intelligence of a person decades old already.
People always pointed this out. I'm always being reminded not to be too philosophical. You're too much. At your age. Just be young.
The problem is. I didn't know how to do that.

Life wasn't easy and nothing worth having comes without a price however what I wanted most was- was...
I don't know. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. My universe revolved entirely around them dreams included.

The therapist I sat with and there was plenty. Constantly lectured me on finding my own desires and goals. Encouraged me to rediscover what I'm passionate about, what my dreams were. Dreams and goals that did not revolve or involve them. But centered solely on me. Me and my cats "of course".

The thing is. I did have dreams. I had goals and things I wanted to achieve. Hell. I had PASSION. And I burned with AMBITION!
And I achieved a hell of a lot.
And yes. I lost even more.

I lost friends or at least I thought we were friends. I lost money and I lost opportunities. I had more doors slammed in my face than you can count. But I didn't give up.
I was kicked around and knocked down more times than I could get back up...but I did get back up. Sometimes it took me a little longer. But I got up! Crawled my way into an opportunity and kicked doors open to pave my way.

I also lost family. Ha!
FAMILY?!
RIGHT. What a load of bulls##t.

I never had that. I had  Owners.
Jailers. Torturers. And I was so bloody starved for their affection. Their attention.
Even just a little bit. Not a lot. I'd even settle for a few minutes a day...a week. Just a few minutes.
That's all I wanted.
I was that desperate that I'd go as far as paying for it if I had the money.

I just wanted them to acknowledge me. "To . See. Me". Really see me. Not treat me like I was a convenience. Like I'm invisible.
I was dispensable to them. While they were all I ever wanted. I've been running after them for so long.

But I couldn't give up. I would eventually...when I got a little older. And after ...a few more awful things took place.

But until then I bit my tongue until it bled.
Biting back words of desperation and resentment. And focused on becoming useful instead. 

At age five...I realized I needed to grow up.
I became a doctor. The cook. The cleaner. The helped. The air. The best friend and therapist. The personal confidant and the shoulder to cry on. Problem solver and direct adviser. The straight-A student. Praised by every lecturer, guest speaker, and even the principal. Loved by all my teachers. I did sports. Athletics and ballet.
The perfect student. The perfect daughter. The perfect sibling. The PEACEKEEPER. I did whatever was required to maintain the peace and appease the boogeyman.

The perfect walkover. That was my role to play.







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