A Bitter Pill to swallow part 3

By Her Beautiful Melancholy

No amount of sharp objects digging or cutting into my skin could elicit a response.
Painkillers. Sleeping pills. Poison.
Whatever I could get my hands on. Nothing could complete the task.
"Sleep eluded me. Nightmares plagued me".

Outside I was succeeding. My loyalty and devotion never wavering.
But inside I died a thousand deaths and
Many more.
The nightmares and tears never stopped
The abuse only became worse.
And still. I didn't waver.

I thought.
No." I. Have. To. Make. This. Work!"
I had to make this work. They are all I have.

The last tattered string that kept
my "Mania" at bay.










I couldn't die. No matter what I did or took.
Not drowning.
Not overdosing.
Not self-harm.
Not even deliberately placing
myself in harm's way.
Why won't the car just hit me?
Why did the bullet just miss me??
Why...why.

Why am I walking away from this taxi accident with minor injuries?
What is keeping me alive? Who is it?
How much longer must we suffer before you let us go?
It's not fair!
Why must we constantly suffer? How
Much more pain must we endure before we too find peace?
Please tell us. Please. It's not fair! It's not-

Going through every day like I'm auditioning.
Faking expressions and emotions I neither
Meant, felt, or understood.

Lonely ...
I'm so lonely. So very, very lonely
In this kingdom of darkness.
Someone. Please help me...
I can't discern reality from my mind anymore.
Was I awake or asleep?
Losing track of large amounts of time I couldn't account for. How do you know
whether you're awake or asleep...

And in that haze of nothingness. In my
Palace of darkness. I - I could hear.
I could see- I could see the ripples forming
In the pond.
See a pebble being dropped slowly into the water.
And then another.
One, two. Two tiny pebbles.
So small. But they shined brighter
then the morning Sun.
Never dimming even as they slipped deeper
Into the abyss.

Without hesitating, I jumped in after them. Almost desperate with hysteria as I clutched them to my chest.
....this would be enough to keep me grounded.

And when morning came, hope followed.
In the form of two tiny pebbles.
I wasn't alone in my kingdom anymore.
I wasn't alone...





Comments

  1. stormOctober 13, 2021 at 1:05 PM

    We all think we understand other peoples pain but in reality we all have to find our own way
    out of our vices. And I think a lot of people will find Hope in these posts of yours to find their own light.

    ReplyDelete

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