A Bitter Pill to swallow part 4

By Her Beautiful Melancholy


But even hope can be short lived, when given something you’ve never had but always wanted. I finally had something to protect. Something that belonged to me and only me. For once there was something that wanted and needed me. Really needed me. And it felt Wonderful. However. I didn’t know the first thing about love or sincerely caring about something without having an ulterior motive in mind. I only knew how to hurt. How to destroy and more importantly how to be useful, indispensable. After all. “We become what we see”. And nobody ever apologized for turning me into -
Let’s just say I know what limbo looks like.


No, I told myself I wouldn’t abuse them. Wouldn’t be rude or cold or cruel. I wouldn’t be like them! Instead, I would love them. Protect them. Listen and provide for them. I’d protect them. Do my best to always keep them happy. I would protect them. Protect. Yes. I would protect them from…

Chaos is all I ever really knew.                                To love something…                                                    It was not as I expected it to be. Nothing at all, like the books I read or the movies I watched made it out to be. I suppose it was all just romanticized and exaggerated. So, it should come as no surprise that I made a lot of mistakes. I repeat. I made “A lot of mistakes"


My love was selfish. It was "Possessive" Insecure and overprotective. It was "Suffocating".But all of that seemed to slip my mind. I wanted to be everything for them that no one was for me.To give them what I never had. And I don’t mean physical things.That is something I was never really in shortage off.

But I still didn’t know how to love them or anyone else for the matter.Much less myself. What is love. How do you understand it . Was there a book or blueprint with clear instructions I could study?

There wasn’t. I looked. On the internet. In the library. I watched countless YouTube videos and documentaries on the subject. The more I looked the less I understood. After all emotions were nothing but chemical reactions in the human body. It was so confusing; I didn’t understand anything at all.

And it wasn’t even like I was trying to love another person. No. I was trying to love two tiny kittens that came to me when I was at my very lowest, saving me from the darkness when I had all but given up.

                Still...


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