Her Beautiful Melancholy

 Mistakes huh Hm. I see , now I understand. Failure is nothing more than a stepping stone for success. He who never fails has never dared to dream or reach deep into the abyss. How sad it must be.  And how sad it is to live a life boxed in by the limitations set by your mind. Just because we're afraid of falling.  The irony  lies in the fact that instead of plummeting to the ground you might soar higher than you've dreamed, but now you'll never know. It is only when we understand why failure, heartache, sorrow, and regrets are such a crucial part of life and a "monumental" part of self-growth. You'd never get involved with someone if you knew they would betray your trust or break your heart. If you knew, you would never get involved with them in the first place. After all who would willingly step up just to get hurt?! And yet without experiencing heartbreak or betrayal you would never know what it means to trust someone blindly or love wholeheartedly. In fact,...

Let . It. Go. And let there be light! No more running. No more chasing after what will never be. I've been watching from the shadows long enough, just waiting to be invited into the light. Drowning. I've been drowning while everyone around me was breathing. Reaching out, waiting on someone to pull me out of the water. Holding my breath until my mind exploded and blacked out, but I never gave in to the water. I held on. "Hoping" Waiting on someone to help, to save me. But now I see, I finally understand. The person I've been waiting for all my life has been with me from the very beginning. Helping me. Protecting me. Stepping up and taking all that heartache and sorrow. Absorbing all that pain so I wouldn't have to.  The shadow I have always been hiding from. The little voice whispered words of hope into my ears, echoing within the darkest recesses of my mind, where I buried and locked it away. That voice belonged to "Me".  And I've been running aw...

Like a branch sprouting from a dying tree, saving it from the brink of disaster. So we too must learn to grow and evolve past our current state. ‘It is never too late to start anew”  But when we spend enough time pretending to be someone we're not, eventually we’ll lose ourselves to the act. And become the lie we so carefully constructed for ourselves. Lost in a barrage of facades and personas. Slipping further and further away from the truth and who we truly are.  I think that’s where the saying comes from. “In life, we constantly have to find and rediscover ourselves”  This however isn't always easy. often, we're too arrogant and ignorant to realize we’ve strayed from the path we once set for ourselves, after all, IGNORANCE IS BLISS.    Sometimes we get too absorbed with our problems that we turn a blind eye to everything that threatens to ruin or disrupt this carefully constructed life we put together. For fear of failure, judgment, loneliness, loss of money...

They say: Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Whoever said that was wrong. Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will permanently cripple you! Looking back now. I realise I was afraid of myself... Afraid of what I might- no. I was afraid of what I would do if I did fight back. Afraid of the extent I might go to and what I would become. As weak as I had become. At the back of my mind ....in the furthest, darkest recesses. There was a voice that always called to me..... Always calling... But it never stopped calling. That voice....that woman... She was a version of me. A side of me I shied away from. Tied up. Chained down. Locked away.                                                   And unlike me she....she was strong. She was confident. Defiant and determined to the very end. And she was fighting like a...

  It wasn't easy but then again, when it came to me difficult was the only setting I knew. In a way that placed me miles ahead of most people. I breezed through complicated situations. Thrived in hostile and downright brutal environments like It was no more than a walk in the park. I had- No. I have the patience of a saint. It takes months and sometimes years to really piss me off and get a reaction. Unfortunately, this meant.... sigh Well, it meant I'd stick a situation out no matter how bad conditions became. I was determined to succeed. And I did succeed. I can easily blame this on being young and not knowing any better. But that would just be a load of crap. I was young in age and appearance only. I had the mentality and emotional intelligence of a person decades old already. People always pointed this out. I'm always being reminded not to be too philosophical. You're too much. At your age. Just be young. The problem is. I didn't know how to do that. Life ...

But even hope can be short lived, when given something you’ve never had but always wanted. I finally had something to protect. Something that belonged to me and only me. For once there was something that wanted and needed me. Really needed me. And it felt Wonderful. However. I didn’t know the first thing about love or sincerely caring about something without having an ulterior motive in mind. I only knew how to hurt. How to destroy and more importantly how to be useful, indispensable. After all. “We become what we see”. And nobody ever apologized for turning me into - Let’s just say I know what limbo looks like. No, I told myself I wouldn’t abuse them. Wouldn’t be rude or cold or cruel. I wouldn’t be like them! Instead, I would love them. Protect them. Listen and provide for them. I’d protect them. Do my best to always keep them happy. I would protect them. Protect. Yes. I would protect them from… Chaos is all I ever really knew.         ...

No amount of sharp objects digging or cutting into my skin could elicit a response. Painkillers. Sleeping pills. Poison. Whatever I could get my hands on. Nothing could complete the task. "Sleep eluded me. Nightmares plagued me". Outside I was succeeding. My loyalty and devotion never wavering. But inside I died a thousand deaths and Many more. The nightmares and tears never stopped The abuse only became worse. And still. I didn't waver. I thought. No." I. Have. To. Make. This. Work!" I had to make this work. They are all I have. The last tattered string that kept my "Mania" at bay. I couldn't die. No matter what I did or took. Not drowning. Not overdosing. Not self-harm. Not even deliberately placing myself in harm's way. Why won't the car just hit me? Why did the bullet just miss me?? Why...why. Why am I walking away from this taxi accident with minor injuries? What is keeping me alive? Who is it? How much longer mus...