Her Beautiful Melancholy

  It wasn't easy but then again, when it came to me difficult was the only setting I knew. In a way that placed me miles ahead of most people. I breezed through complicated situations. Thrived in hostile and downright brutal environments like It was no more than a walk in the park. I had- No. I have the patience of a saint. It takes months and sometimes years to really piss me off and get a reaction. Unfortunately, this meant.... sigh Well, it meant I'd stick a situation out no matter how bad conditions became. I was determined to succeed. And I did succeed. I can easily blame this on being young and not knowing any better. But that would just be a load of crap. I was young in age and appearance only. I had the mentality and emotional intelligence of a person decades old already. People always pointed this out. I'm always being reminded not to be too philosophical. You're too much. At your age. Just be young. The problem is. I didn't know how to do that. Life ...

But even hope can be short lived, when given something you’ve never had but always wanted. I finally had something to protect. Something that belonged to me and only me. For once there was something that wanted and needed me. Really needed me. And it felt Wonderful. However. I didn’t know the first thing about love or sincerely caring about something without having an ulterior motive in mind. I only knew how to hurt. How to destroy and more importantly how to be useful, indispensable. After all. “We become what we see”. And nobody ever apologized for turning me into - Let’s just say I know what limbo looks like. No, I told myself I wouldn’t abuse them. Wouldn’t be rude or cold or cruel. I wouldn’t be like them! Instead, I would love them. Protect them. Listen and provide for them. I’d protect them. Do my best to always keep them happy. I would protect them. Protect. Yes. I would protect them from… Chaos is all I ever really knew.         ...

No amount of sharp objects digging or cutting into my skin could elicit a response. Painkillers. Sleeping pills. Poison. Whatever I could get my hands on. Nothing could complete the task. "Sleep eluded me. Nightmares plagued me". Outside I was succeeding. My loyalty and devotion never wavering. But inside I died a thousand deaths and Many more. The nightmares and tears never stopped The abuse only became worse. And still. I didn't waver. I thought. No." I. Have. To. Make. This. Work!" I had to make this work. They are all I have. The last tattered string that kept my "Mania" at bay. I couldn't die. No matter what I did or took. Not drowning. Not overdosing. Not self-harm. Not even deliberately placing myself in harm's way. Why won't the car just hit me? Why did the bullet just miss me?? Why...why. Why am I walking away from this taxi accident with minor injuries? What is keeping me alive? Who is it? How much longer mus...

But no matter how far I ran. They never Stopped or glanced back, to look at me. Even though I was screaming. "I'm here". Please look at me! Why don't you hear me! Can't you see me? I'm here... I served them devotedly. But it was never "Enough". I was "Never" enough. Only good enough for scraps and leftovers. And only if something was needed. Only to be kicked to the side afterward. Like a dirty tramp, ridden with infection. Sadly that was enough. That small, twisted display of "affection" was more than enough for me. Anything was better than nothing. It made me so overwhelmingly "happy". It gave me the strength to finally stop running and face the unknown. Allowing the darkness to swallow me whole. I lived in a kingdom of darkness. All alone. In a place so dark not even a sliver of light Could penetrate. And it rained relentlessly. A constant downpour. No one ever came to my rescue not even to visit. ...

New year, new me. Right?! New... Sigh. New year. New me. For the longest time- no. Ever since I can Remember. My whole life. Down to The very second I opened my eyes for the First time. I was surrounded by darkness. Nothing I did was ever quite right. No amount of straight A's, appraising teachers or professors. Extracurricular activities, awards, achievements, or concerts could warrant the praise or approval I so desperately longed for...desired. And no matter how fast I ran I                           Would never outrun the relentless pursuit of darkness. Always on my beck and call.             Right on my heels. I ran, ran and ran....and RAN. "Run" Begging, pleading for a way out. For Someone to- to what? Chasing after a family I could never please nor satisfy. And although I knew it was pointless I could never muster the courage or strength  to let go. And end this...