Her Beautiful Melancholy

  When you sit back and think about it. I mean really sit back and think about it. How would you define growth how would you explain change and elaborate on it...how would you even know you're busy changing, busy evolving adapting. Growing. How? Are you where you wanted to be in life. Is this what you dreamed about as a child or did the harsh realities of life burn up all that childlike innocence and dreams? It's hard to look at the world with the same wide-eyed innocence you once had as a child...but even then, childhood isn't all sunshine and roses. And yet looking at the world through the lenses of a child is so much more - oh dare I say magical.? While looking at life with the eyes of an adult after life and its lessons and the cold brutality of basic human relationships has taken its toll and several pounds of flesh. And you find yourself wondering just where you went wrong or what is it you are supposed to learn from this? That moment when you find your mind raci...

  A Grimoire of a fairytale Relapse- no relapsing or stagnancy .   What's the difference between the two?   Stagnant. Not moving forward yet not taking a step backward either. "No progress". A lot like limbo, you're neither here nor there . Just in-between. Just...there.   ...And then there is relapsing. I doubt I need to clarify anything there. It's pretty much self-explanatory .   Sigh...   Depression is something so misleading. A beautiful nightmare. A broken ballad that plays the most enchanting, bewitching, and heartfelt melodies.      It's something that if left unchecked or ignored "will" lead to a most unfortunate end.     Not every story has a happy ending and depression often looks like a fairytale before taking a turn for the "Grim brothers".   Not every "Castle" means a happy ending. And Not every "Dungeon" means it's a prison. That "Hero" might not be your savior but the real villain wit...

 A Hollow space                I’ve seen these walls, oh so many times before. So much so that I am familiar with every twist and turn the hallways take, I know where all the hidden passageways and hiding spots are. I can even tell which section I am in based on the scratches and imperfections all those hidden idents carved into these walls brought on only through time and my endless explorations.  Once dark and empty but now slowly filling with warmth and memories.  The very essence of this place felt "hollow" so hollow and in desperate need of a home. I have traversed these endless long and winding hallways, kept company only by my rambling as I acquainted myself with the dark and my surroundings. The hallways were endless and never lead nor hinted at anything. The doors remained firmly shut. The walls were “naked” as if stripped from color and yet the heavy sense of foreboding with each and every step was almost suffocating seem...

How do you know you're ready for change or that without even realizing you've started changing? Change much like time is ever fluent, at times you hardly notice a difference even feeling like you are stagnant or stuck in a loop. Everything seems to be dragging or not moving at all. And yet within the blink of an eye without you even noticing a lifetime has gone by, the universe suddenly seems a strange place to be in and oh so very different than ten minutes or even seconds ago. And while you may feel like the same old you. As if the universe may have changed but you remained the same. Truth is the world never changed "you did". Time is ever fluent always changing always moving it does not stop or wait for anyone. However between everything that's changed amongst all of them the change within yourself has been the most drastic of all. Whether for better or worse only time will tell. One thing remains the same. It is a certainty a fact of life. "It is never to...

 Mistakes huh Hm. I see , now I understand. Failure is nothing more than a stepping stone for success. He who never fails has never dared to dream or reach deep into the abyss. How sad it must be.  And how sad it is to live a life boxed in by the limitations set by your mind. Just because we're afraid of falling.  The irony  lies in the fact that instead of plummeting to the ground you might soar higher than you've dreamed, but now you'll never know. It is only when we understand why failure, heartache, sorrow, and regrets are such a crucial part of life and a "monumental" part of self-growth. You'd never get involved with someone if you knew they would betray your trust or break your heart. If you knew, you would never get involved with them in the first place. After all who would willingly step up just to get hurt?! And yet without experiencing heartbreak or betrayal you would never know what it means to trust someone blindly or love wholeheartedly. In fact,...

Let . It. Go. And let there be light! No more running. No more chasing after what will never be. I've been watching from the shadows long enough, just waiting to be invited into the light. Drowning. I've been drowning while everyone around me was breathing. Reaching out, waiting on someone to pull me out of the water. Holding my breath until my mind exploded and blacked out, but I never gave in to the water. I held on. "Hoping" Waiting on someone to help, to save me. But now I see, I finally understand. The person I've been waiting for all my life has been with me from the very beginning. Helping me. Protecting me. Stepping up and taking all that heartache and sorrow. Absorbing all that pain so I wouldn't have to.  The shadow I have always been hiding from. The little voice whispered words of hope into my ears, echoing within the darkest recesses of my mind, where I buried and locked it away. That voice belonged to "Me".  And I've been running aw...

Like a branch sprouting from a dying tree, saving it from the brink of disaster. So we too must learn to grow and evolve past our current state. ‘It is never too late to start anew”  But when we spend enough time pretending to be someone we're not, eventually we’ll lose ourselves to the act. And become the lie we so carefully constructed for ourselves. Lost in a barrage of facades and personas. Slipping further and further away from the truth and who we truly are.  I think that’s where the saying comes from. “In life, we constantly have to find and rediscover ourselves”  This however isn't always easy. often, we're too arrogant and ignorant to realize we’ve strayed from the path we once set for ourselves, after all, IGNORANCE IS BLISS.    Sometimes we get too absorbed with our problems that we turn a blind eye to everything that threatens to ruin or disrupt this carefully constructed life we put together. For fear of failure, judgment, loneliness, loss of money...

They say: Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Whoever said that was wrong. Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will permanently cripple you! Looking back now. I realise I was afraid of myself... Afraid of what I might- no. I was afraid of what I would do if I did fight back. Afraid of the extent I might go to and what I would become. As weak as I had become. At the back of my mind ....in the furthest, darkest recesses. There was a voice that always called to me..... Always calling... But it never stopped calling. That voice....that woman... She was a version of me. A side of me I shied away from. Tied up. Chained down. Locked away.                                                   And unlike me she....she was strong. She was confident. Defiant and determined to the very end. And she was fighting like a...

  It wasn't easy but then again, when it came to me difficult was the only setting I knew. In a way that placed me miles ahead of most people. I breezed through complicated situations. Thrived in hostile and downright brutal environments like It was no more than a walk in the park. I had- No. I have the patience of a saint. It takes months and sometimes years to really piss me off and get a reaction. Unfortunately, this meant.... sigh Well, it meant I'd stick a situation out no matter how bad conditions became. I was determined to succeed. And I did succeed. I can easily blame this on being young and not knowing any better. But that would just be a load of crap. I was young in age and appearance only. I had the mentality and emotional intelligence of a person decades old already. People always pointed this out. I'm always being reminded not to be too philosophical. You're too much. At your age. Just be young. The problem is. I didn't know how to do that. Life ...

But even hope can be short lived, when given something you’ve never had but always wanted. I finally had something to protect. Something that belonged to me and only me. For once there was something that wanted and needed me. Really needed me. And it felt Wonderful. However. I didn’t know the first thing about love or sincerely caring about something without having an ulterior motive in mind. I only knew how to hurt. How to destroy and more importantly how to be useful, indispensable. After all. “We become what we see”. And nobody ever apologized for turning me into - Let’s just say I know what limbo looks like. No, I told myself I wouldn’t abuse them. Wouldn’t be rude or cold or cruel. I wouldn’t be like them! Instead, I would love them. Protect them. Listen and provide for them. I’d protect them. Do my best to always keep them happy. I would protect them. Protect. Yes. I would protect them from… Chaos is all I ever really knew.         ...

No amount of sharp objects digging or cutting into my skin could elicit a response. Painkillers. Sleeping pills. Poison. Whatever I could get my hands on. Nothing could complete the task. "Sleep eluded me. Nightmares plagued me". Outside I was succeeding. My loyalty and devotion never wavering. But inside I died a thousand deaths and Many more. The nightmares and tears never stopped The abuse only became worse. And still. I didn't waver. I thought. No." I. Have. To. Make. This. Work!" I had to make this work. They are all I have. The last tattered string that kept my "Mania" at bay. I couldn't die. No matter what I did or took. Not drowning. Not overdosing. Not self-harm. Not even deliberately placing myself in harm's way. Why won't the car just hit me? Why did the bullet just miss me?? Why...why. Why am I walking away from this taxi accident with minor injuries? What is keeping me alive? Who is it? How much longer mus...

But no matter how far I ran. They never Stopped or glanced back, to look at me. Even though I was screaming. "I'm here". Please look at me! Why don't you hear me! Can't you see me? I'm here... I served them devotedly. But it was never "Enough". I was "Never" enough. Only good enough for scraps and leftovers. And only if something was needed. Only to be kicked to the side afterward. Like a dirty tramp, ridden with infection. Sadly that was enough. That small, twisted display of "affection" was more than enough for me. Anything was better than nothing. It made me so overwhelmingly "happy". It gave me the strength to finally stop running and face the unknown. Allowing the darkness to swallow me whole. I lived in a kingdom of darkness. All alone. In a place so dark not even a sliver of light Could penetrate. And it rained relentlessly. A constant downpour. No one ever came to my rescue not even to visit. ...

New year, new me. Right?! New... Sigh. New year. New me. For the longest time- no. Ever since I can Remember. My whole life. Down to The very second I opened my eyes for the First time. I was surrounded by darkness. Nothing I did was ever quite right. No amount of straight A's, appraising teachers or professors. Extracurricular activities, awards, achievements, or concerts could warrant the praise or approval I so desperately longed for...desired. And no matter how fast I ran I                           Would never outrun the relentless pursuit of darkness. Always on my beck and call.             Right on my heels. I ran, ran and ran....and RAN. "Run" Begging, pleading for a way out. For Someone to- to what? Chasing after a family I could never please nor satisfy. And although I knew it was pointless I could never muster the courage or strength  to let go. And end this...

GLUTTONY  consumed and devoured everything within his reach. To him, the world was one endless buffet that only he has the privilege to. Until he met  LUST... LUST  never begged or chased after anyone.   Anything  LUST  desired was acquired. Instead, she tempted and bewitched everyone around her. Until they were mad with lust and desire, succumbing to  LUST'S  every beck and call. GLUTTONY  both fascinated and irritated  LUST,  who try as she may. Failed to tempt and seduce  GLUTTONY. LUST  who neither hungered nor consumed anything. And  GLUTTONY  understood. The endless buffet he gorged himself on no longer belonged to him alone anymore. He would have to share. GLUTTONY became bitter and indignant, and his growing displeasure at  LUST'S  deliberate aloofness slowly set him unhinged.  LUST  different to him never hungered or yearned for anything yet tempted everyone with such effortless...